"The Maltese Sparrow" - Chapter Three

The Maltese Sparrow

Chapter Three

By Douglas E. Gogerty

Daniel Butler was a human. He could be described as average in every way. He was of average height and weight. He had the usual pink hair like so many Earthlings. I guess it helped him blend in with the rest. His pale lavender skin also helped him in his business affairs as it was the most common color. He was an average Joe.

When I arrived at Daniel's office, he was busy cleaning it. It looked like two enormous birds had a wrestling match in it. Things were knocked over. There were feathers all over. It was quite a mess. I wonder how it happened.

"What can I do for you wingtip?" asked Mr. Butler

"I've come about -- Mable. Is this a bad time?"

"No it is all right. Someone broke in and ransacked the place. Whoever it was let out some animals to cover their tracks."

"Ummmm -- are all the animals back in place?" I asked with probably a lot of worry on my face.

"Yes. I could have been in big trouble, but the pair of birds ended up fighting over a sandwich."

"Birds? Sandwich?"

"Not to bore you with my troubles, but a customer of mine requested a pair of -- er -- rare birds from Earth. These birds were released, and got out of the door some how. However, instead of causing me and others lots of problems, they found a sandwich to fight over. Perhaps one of the perpetrators dropped it on the way out. So, Mable?" Daniel asked to change the subject.

I had trouble bringing my mind back to the task at hand; however, I replied, "Who?"

"You mentioned the name Mable."

"I did? Oh yes, Mable. Where is she?"

"Who is Mable?"

"Mable is a Maltese blue tit -- er -- uh -- Maltese sparrow."

He seemed to not notice my slip and asked, "What?"

"A Maltese sparrow! Yeah, that is what I said -- a Maltese sparrow."

"What do you know about Maltese blue tits?"

"Only that they now rule the earth and make it completely inhabitable by humans and if a breeding pair were released on some planet it could be taken over by them eventually chasing that population away and thus would be a useful item to smuggle...."

He seemed to not notice my rambling and asked, "What?"

"Nothing!" I replied with the most innocent face I could muster. "I don't know anything about them."

"Well played wingtip. What do you want?"

"Information. I want information on Mable."

"A Maltese sparrow named Mable?"

"Yes. She is owned by my client -- she's a Larsentient if that helps."

"We are not talking about some sort of jewel encrusted bird coated in an enamel to hide the fact that it is very valuable are we?"

"No, it is an actual living bird from earth. Here is a picture."

"Oh! it is actually a *living* bird," Daniel stated.

"Yes, Mable is a bird."

"I have not sold any birds recently, but I can check my records."

Mr. Butler looked around the disarray of an office. He looked and looked, but was unable to locate what he was looking for. Eventually he replied, "Well it appears that someone took those records."

"So, you don't have any information about a Larsentient that you sold a Maltese sparrow to, but that you would frequently visit and have free access to her apartment."

"Oh! Maxine," he replied all innocently.

"The identity of my client is confidential," I replied as a stern warning.

"Oh sorry. She named the bird Mable?"

"That is indeed the Maltese sparrow's name."

"While I have no records of the sale of the sparrow in question, if it is the Larsentient that I am thinking of, the sparrow was a gift."

"Do you go around giving away such valuable birds?"

"I do -- to individuals I am involved with."

"Involved?"

"I like the cut of her jib."

"What are you talking about?"

"Do I have to spell it out?"

"Ummm -- yeah."

"We have had relations."

"Relations?"

"Zounds man! Are you daft?"

"I'm still not getting anything."

"Maxine and I have been known to engage in sexual intercourse."

"Whose Maxine?"

"Your client..."

"Wait, you're having sex with a bird?"

"No! The bird's owner."

"And the bird doesn't mind you cheating on her?"

"Okay wingtip, let me spell it out for you."

"I wish you would."

"I met Maxine about a year ago at Rick's Café Américain. I was meeting some clients there, and she was out with some friends of hers. After I finished my business, I sat at the bar to wet my whistle. She walked up to me and she asked me to dance. I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said..."

"Wet your whistle?" I interupted.

"I ordered a drink."

"Oh! You ordered a drink. Why didn't you say so?"

"In any event, we hit it off pretty well. After that meeting, we went on several dates and have been intimate on numerous occasions. Her birthday was a few weeks ago, and for her birthday I gave her the Maltese sparrow in question."

"Intimate?"

"We had sex."

"You mean you and Maxine were in a relationship?"

"Are! We are in a relationship, and as far as I know it is going pretty well."

"You are in a relationship with a bird?"

"Maxine is the Larsentient, and Mable is the bird."

"And?"

"And I am in a relationship with the Larsentient. The bird was a gift."

"Oh!"

"And the bird is missing?"

"Yes."

"Then perhaps she has other suiters that are jealous of me. Perhaps one of them is involved."

"Birds can get jealous?"

"No! You are exasperating sometimes! Maxine -- the Larsentient -- could have jealous suiters."

"And they could have taken the bird in spite."

"Yes!"

"Do you have direct knowledge of this?"

"It is just a theory that you can look into," he replied.

"Are you a private investigator?"

"No, but I..."

"Then leave the theorizing to the professionals. I'll take my leave of you now."

I left his office to allow him to continue to clean up. He seemed awfully confused, so it appeared that my interview with him may have been a waste of time. It was time to get back to my office and think about dinner.