"M.O.P.S. in Space" - Chapter Eight

M.O.P.S. in Space

Chapter Eight

By Douglas E. Gogerty

The walls of their very white room closed in on them until the four men looked like a four-pack of action figures in their original packaging. That is when the walls stopped moving in on them. They stood there on display in front of the large congregation.

After several minutes with the MOPS members staring at the crowd, and the crowd doing likewise, something red appeared. On earth, he would have been described as the devil. Well, the Earth the MOPS members live on, on this Earth who knows how they would describe him or her or it.

He, she, or it was completely red. The face was red. If he, she, or it had any clothes on, they were red. The eyes had no whites; they were completely red. Let us face facts; this creature was completely red.

Like many of the creatures on this planet, the preacher had four arms; however, these were constantly in motion. One of the arms held what was probably a microphone. The other three took turns pointing hither and yon as the owner of the arms paced frantically in front of the congregation.

The MOPS members could do nothing but stand there and watch the spectacle before them. None of the members in the room could hear what he was saying. Even if they could, they would not have been able to understand him. So, it is just as well.

Occasionally, the congregation would erupt into a huge roar. The men in their confined space could hear the faintest of this eruption from their vantage point. The only option they had was to watch the spectacle before them.

When the franticness of the preacher reached a certain pitch, the preacher made a discrete gesture and a device emerged from the ceiling. It was a device, which looked familiar to the MOPS members. To them it looked like a guillotine.

After a few moments, they were convinced it was a guillotine as the preacher sliced some large melon looking things with it. Using this device, he sliced these large melons into quarters and then eighths. He continued doing this until the there was enough melon to go around to the congregation.

From an unseen hatch above the four men, some of the melon was lowered down on a tray. It tasted strange to the quartet, but it was a suitable start to a nice breakfast. As they ate it, they could faintly hear the roar of the crowd.

After everyone had his, her, or its share of melon, the carcass of something was placed upon the altar. The guillotine was raised and replaced by a large fire. The red individual skewered the carcass and placed it on a rotisserie above the now raging fire. The preacher's antics returned, and he worked the crowd into another frenzy.

Another red individual joined the preacher in front of the now roasting carcass with a large implement. Together they sliced off bits of the cooked animal. Once again, it was passed to each individual in the congregation.

As it did with the melon, the hatch above the men opened up and the smell resembling bacon filled the small room. A tray came from the hatch and the quartet ate some of the roast beast-thing.

Next, several red assistants placed a large pot upon the still smoldering fire on stage. Inside was another carcass that appeared to have been stewed for several days. Once the crowd was worked up again, the preacher reached into the pot and pulled out a piece from the carcass in the pot. Removing the flesh from the bones, he tossed the bones aside and returned the meat to the pot. Once the carcass was bone free, a red assistant gathered up the bones. Like the other food items, a sample was given to the men in their confined room behind the stage.

Wave after wave of implement would come on stage, and more and more food was prepared and passed around. The MOPS members were beginning to think that this place was some sort of funky restaurant, and they were part of some sort of fancy floorshow.

They partook in 14 courses. Between each course, the preacher urged the crowd into excitement. Every scrap of food the preacher and assistants prepared with some sort of elaborate demonstration.

At the end of the 14th course, the chants of Larrimoe-Kerly resumed. They were more fervent, and occasionally, the preacher would point to the MOPS members. The chants started haphazardly, but they eventually coalesced into a rhythmic chant. The entire congregation shouted in unison. It was so loud that the costumed men could hear it clearly in their soundproof containment room.

The preacher pointed at the quartet, and they found themselves falling. They had not noticed the trapdoor beneath them. They found themselves on a slide, and soon they arrived in front of the altar in a pile. The din of Larrimoe-Kerly was deafening.

When the quartet gathered themselves together and stood up, the preacher held his hands up and the chants turned into a thunderous round of applause. As the crowd was still cheering, the preacher handed the microphone to Tommy and whispered into his ear, "Yub nub -- okay?"

When the crowd quieted, Tommy made his I am an actor pose and said as if he were a politician running for office, "Yub nub, eee chop yub nub ah toe meet toe peechee keene, g'noop dock fling oh ah."

The crowd broke into thunderous applause and Kelly whispered to Angus "Oh! We're soooo dead!"

Tommy continued his oration of Ewok Celebration¹⁴ to the enjoyment of the gathered participants. Quietly the preacher left the stage, and the MOPS members were all alone in front of the gathering.

As they had done the previous evening, the crowd responded in the proper place. Tommy glowed with pride as the crowd erupted in thunderous applause for his oration. He took several bows to the standing ovation that followed.

The preacher returned with a book in his hand. He placed it on a lectern, and after the crowd quieted, he read from it. Reverently, they listened to what the preacher said. Naturally, the humans did not understand their language -- except for the occasional okay.

The first passage ended with Larrimoe-Kerly Cooklaa-Frannen-Olly, and with that, the crowd erupted into a deafening roar. Three other passages ended in Cooklaa-Frannen-Olly to which the crowd cheered loudly.

When the preacher had finished, the chants of Larrimoe-Kerly returned. Tommy walked to the front of the stage and raised his arms. The crowd doubled their volume in their chants.

Four red assistants entered and grabbed the four MOPS members. They slowly dragged them off, but Tommy managed to shout, "Be excellent to each other and party on dudes!"¹⁵

The four men found themselves back in the white room. Kelly punched Tommy in the arm.

"What?" complained Tommy.

"Do you remember your favorite Twilight Zone episode?" Kelly asked.

"Yes..." responded Tommy glowing from the crowd's acceptance but trying to figure out the reference.

"What do you suppose he was reading to the crowd?" asked Kelly.

"You don't mean?" queried Angus.

"Yes!" exclaimed Kelly.

"You mean..." Tommy began.

"It's a cookbook!" shouted Kelly.¹⁶

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NOTES:

14: Ibid Return of the Jedi.

15: Ibid Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

16: A cultural reference to the plot of an episode of The Twilight Zone entitled To Serve Man.