"The Maltese Sparrow" - Chapter Nine

The Maltese Sparrow

Chapter Nine

By Douglas E. Gogerty

A great detective (perhaps fictional) once said, "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

I would have to take that to heart with this particular case. I had to start eliminating things. I was clearly getting too close for someone's comfort. However, I had not one clue as to how I was getting close. It would take all my brain power to come up with the solution.

That is when I thought of it. Perhaps, there was some sort of earth cat on the planet that had taken the bird. Everyone knows cats and birds are mortal enemies. The cat wanted to conceal his or her crime and was removing all obstacles.

Everyone knows that cats are ruthless killers. They would stop at nothing to get what they wanted. The only problem with this theory was that there were no cats on this world. In fact, cats were thought to have been wiped out by the Maltese blue tits before these birds went after humans.

However, no one could be sure they were extinct. They could be like the ivory billed woodpecker or the coelacanth. They were thought extinct only to kill a human before they finally disappeared for good.

Perhaps that is not the best way to go about solving this case. There were plenty of improbable scenarios to be found. How would I determine which ones were actually impossible?

Naturally, my thoughts returned to the most logical course of action. There was only one thing to do now. My next move was clear. It was time to go to Rick's Café Américain. It was true. I was really hungry.

My last meal there was less than satisfying. This was probably due to the fact that someone else ate it. Since that person was no longer with us, I could potentially eat this one. A thought occurred to me that perhaps someone would attempt to poison me again. Nevertheless, my stomach overruled any objections my brain had.

It did not take me long to arrive at the restaurant. My stomach grumbled and growled the entire way. Perhaps my stomach was responsible for the disappearance of the Maltese Sparrow. It was certainly trying to do me in.

I was seated and a waiter I had never seen before came to my table.

"Hello, my name is Joachim and I'll be your server today," he stated flatly.

"Where is Marty?" I asked.

"Who?"

"Marty, he normally waits on me."

"Oh! You mean 2m@3R&t4jJnsp^82jioljidf348lll."

"Yes -- I guess so."

"If you find him, would you let me know. Apparently he did not show up for work, and I have to cover for him. What can I get you?"

"What do you mean he did not show up for work?"

"Well you see, he has this job waiting tables at this place. It just so happens that when he was scheduled to work, he did not show up!"

"Where is he?"

"If I knew -- he would be here returning your inane questions instead of me."

"Do you mean he just disappeared?"

"That would be a cool trick, but it is just that no one knows where he is. Are you going to order something?"

"I'll have the special with a fermented goose liver smoothie."

"Very good," he said walking quickly from my table.

"Could I get that with extra lima beans?" I yelled after him.

"Certainly" he replied without stopping.

As if it was scheduled, Detective D'Cheuer arrived just as the food did. Perhaps I should stop eating at this café. Rarely do I actually get to eat my food when it is ready.

"May I join you?" asked the detective.

"Why? Am I coming apart?" I laughed because I really love that joke.

"You are awfully jovial for a murder suspect."

"Gallows humor I suppose. What do you want?"

"What can you tell me about 2m@3R&t4jJnsp^82jioljidf348lll?"

"Never heard of him -- or her -- or whatever..."

"He was your waiter here on a couple of occasions."

"Oh, you mean Marty!"

"Yes. Marty. What do you know about him?"

"He was my waiter here on a couple of occasions."

"Still with the jokes. I think you missed your calling. Anyway, he is wanted for questioning in your murder case."

"Why him?"

"He was here that night. He could have seen you put the poison in the food."

"He could have poisoned the food himself," I asserted.

"Yes, he could have been an accessory to your crime," Detective D'Cheuer replied.

"He could potentially clear my name!"

"Possibly ... but only if he is around to testify. However, no one knows where he is."

"How could you let a material witness get away?"

"We were tailing him. He just gave our guys the slip."

"How did that happen?"

"Let just say a couple of birds helped him fly the coop."

"What kind of birds?"

"It is just an expression."

"Oh."

"So, you have not seen him."

"Sadly no. Have you seen a Maltese Sparrow around?"

"A Maltese Sparrow? What is that? Is it some sort of jewel encrusted bird coated in enamel to hide the fact that it is very valuable?"

"No it is just a regular earth type bird."

"That type of thing is illegal to have here. If we found such a bird, we would have to take it back to earth. Why are you looking for such a thing?"

"It was a joke -- ha ha," I lied. "I am still cracking the jokes."

"That one -- not so funny. If you see Marty -- and if you are innocent -- it is in your best interest to let me know."

"Whatever," I replied curtly as Detective D'Cheuer left.

As a private investigator, I was not savvy to the ins-and-outs of law. Thus, the illegality of owning a Maltese Sparrow put an entire new spin on the case. I would have to figure out how to spin this in my favor.

Nonetheless, first things first. The interview did not last long, and Detective D'Cheuer did not partake in any of my food. Thus, I could eat in peace. Unless someone else came along. Oh, and that waiter forgot my extra lima beans.